Friday, December 14, 2012

Vampires and That Time of the Month, Part 5

Being a thoughtful vampire, Constantine didn’t want to evict anyone, but the possibility of having all in residence available only on the same day each month was disconcerting.  And being an intelligent vampire, he didn’t panic.  Instead, he came up with a solution.  

The mansion was built somewhat like a “T” –  a central section where all the common areas were located  –  with three attached wings.  The women would be divided into three groups, with each group living exclusively in one of the wings.  The separation should prevent the mass-cycling, and even if each group synched, it was statistically unlikely that they would be on exactly the same schedule.  Immensely satisfied with his plan, Constantine studied the blueprints to determine which rooms would require remodeling into bedroom suites to accommodate the sequestration.  It would be expensive, but well worth the price, he reasoned.

He spent the better part of the night toiling over the details when Madge came by his study.  She glanced silently over his shoulder as he calculated costs, compiled lists and jotted down copious notes.  After a few moments, she cautiously inquired about the details of his ministrations.  

As Constantine began to describe his ingenious strategy with enthusiastic aplomb, he noticed a slight furrow of Madge’s brow.  Thinking she must not understand, he added more detail and spoke more slowly.  By the time he had laid out the entire scheme, Madge’s furrow had morphed into a full-out frown.

“You’d think someone as old as you would have more common sense” she sighed.  “You don’t need to renovate the house!  All we need to do is get them all on the pill and stagger their cycles.”  She mentally added “dumb-ass” to the end of her statement.  She figured as good a boss as Constantine was, there was no sense pissing off your employer when he could forgo contacting human resources about your insolence and just rip your throat out.

Human or vampire , men are  all the same, she thought, shaking her and looking skyward, as if the ceiling might give her the answers she wanted.  Why do they always go with their first idea, no matter how unbelievably convoluted and stupid it is


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